joestump.net

I was reading TrueHoop today regarding the Don Imus situation and read something that, with a little modification, makes a great quote.

Did you ever think we’d have a world without people acting like idiots? Ask any grade school teacher. There are always one or two.

The great thing about free speech is that it encourages those people to identify themselves …

My revised version of the above is as follows.

The great thing about free speech is that it encourages idiots to identify themselves.

A friend of a friend is doing what most of us only dream of doing. After working his ass off for a few years he’s quit his job and backpacking through S. America on his way to a research vessel bound for Antarctica.

He’s got a blog and documenting the whole thing photographically on Flickr.

To say I’m jealous would be an understatement.

My friends all know I’m a huge fan of flatulence. Thanks to Garren for this.

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the Work Poop is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

Crop Dusting

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

Fly By

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Escapee

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Jail Break

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Courtesy Flush

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught Doing the Walk of Shame.

Walk of Shame

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the Courtesy Flush.

Out of the Closet Pooper

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it! You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

PFN

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify Safe Havens.

Safe Havens

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglar

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work if this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Camo-Cough

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.

Astaire

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Watermelon

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo-Cough.

Havana Omelet

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

Uncle Todd

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
• Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
• The second mouse gets the cheese.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Via Dave.

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so
difficult in today’s world to know exactly what to say without offending
someone. So I met with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I wish to
say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive,
gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with
the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices
of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not
to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is
the only “America” in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

1. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
2. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting.
3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
4. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a
   new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a
significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

A few family members have been asking what I want for Christmas. The answer is nothing. I’ve got more toys than I know what to do with as it stands. I’ve got more clothes than most women and I just bought two new pairs of shoes. But, for those who insist on purchasing me something for Christmas here is a short list of my “needs”.

• A scrollbar scarf
• A Lowes or Home Depot gift card
• Music
• Top shelf gin and whiskey are always welcome as well
• A donation made to a notable charity in my name (MARF, ACLU, Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation or The American Red Cross are my top choices)

Whatever you do don’t purchase me clothes or toys. I don’t need either. Also, don’t use my Amazon wishlist as reference it’s fairly outdated, though I won’t complain too much if I get a few DVD’s this year.

Before you think “Hey, I should get Joe something for Christmas” look at the last bullet point on this list and ask yourself if I really need what you were thinking about getting me.

Josh: OC comes on soon :)
Josh: have you been watching that Reunion show?
Josh: I like it
Me: Sweet - maybe I’ll watch it on my new iPod while I’m taking a dump :)
Josh: lmao…nice
Josh: you bought a fancy one eh?
Me: I took the biggest dump ever today.
Me: Yeah.
Josh: FYI that’s GROSS
Me: A black one.
Josh: iPod or dump?

1. Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Via drunkbunny.org.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily
briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3
Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident.”

“OH NO!” President Bush exclaims. “That’s terrible!”

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the president sits, head in
hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks …

“How many is a Brazillion?”

Q: What is Bush’s position on Roe vs. Wade?
A: He really doesn’t care how people get out of New Orleans.

Thanks to Cameron.