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1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
1. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
2. The moment Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, any of the hot Jessica’s starts unbuttoning her blouse.
3. After wrecking your boss’s car.
4. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game.
5. When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if it’s friggin’ warm.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.
16. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
1. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
2. C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
3. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have buck wild, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was (this discussion is, of course, optional).
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.
29. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
• “GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
• “BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other’s courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred’s personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids. He loved his family. His heart beat faster when his wife of 37 years Alice Rennie Clark entered the room and saddened a little when she left. His legacy was the good works performed by his sons, Frederic Arthur Clark III and Andrew Douglas Clark MD, PhD., along with Andy’s wife, Sara Morgan Clark. Fred’s back straightened and chest puffed out when he heard the Star Spangled Banner and his eyes teared when he heard Amazing Grace. He wouldn’t abide self important tight *censored*. Always an interested observer of politics, particularly what the process does to its participants, he was amused by politician’s outrage when we lie to them and amazed at what the voters would tolerate. His final wishes were “throw the bums out and don’t elect lawyers” (though it seems to make little difference). During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, “he was often wrong, but never in doubt”. When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose. He died at MCV Hospital and sadly was deprived of his final wish which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a double date to include his wife, Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter to crash an ACLU cocktail party. In lieu of flowers, Fred asks that you make a sizable purchase at your local ABC store or Virginia winery (please, nothing French - the *censored*) and get rip roaring drunk at home with someone you love or hope to make love to. Word of caution though, don’t go out in public to drink because of the alcohol related laws our elected officials have passed due to their inexplicable terror at the sight of a MADD lobbyist and overwhelming compulsion to meddle in our lives. No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred’s life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email fredsmemory@yahoo.com for more information. Fred’s ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred’s friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, “Fred who?”

Via Richmond Times-Dispatch. Despite the Limbaugh/Coulter remark I give this obituary high marks. I’d like my friends to take note.

1. “Vacation” means going to Cedar Point.
2. At least one member of your family disowns you the week of the Michigan vs. Michigan State game.
3. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.
4. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
5. Your idea of a traffic jam is 40 cars waiting to pass an orange barrel.
6. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
7. It’s easy to get Vernor’s Ginger Ale, Sanders Hot Fudge sauce and Faygo Pop.
8. You know how to pronounce “Mackinac”.
9. You’ve had to switch on the heat and the A/C in the same day.
10. You bake with soda and drink a pop.
11. The movie “Escanaba in Da Moonlight” wasn’t funny. You consider it a documentary.
12. Your little league game was snowed out.
13. The word “thumb” has geographical meaning, rather than anatomical significance.
14. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on the back of your left hand.
15. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.
16. You measure distance in minutes.
17. When giving directions, you refer to “A Michigan Left”.
18. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but it is either raining or snowing there, and it’s not that far from Hell.
19. Your year has four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
20. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin’ offense in your hometown.
21. You drive 60 mph thru 2 feet of snow in a raging blizzard, without flinching.
22. You think Devil’s Night is celebrated everywhere.
23. You know what a “Yooper” is.
24. Octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.
25. The snow freezes so hard that you can actually walk across it and not break it or leave any marks.
26. You lost your virginity up at Higgins or Houghton to some skank from Detroit.
27. You know how to spell and pronounce “Ypsilanti”
28. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, the opening of deer season and Devil’s Night.
29. Your car rusts out before you need the brakes done.
30. At least 25% of your relatives work for the auto industry.
31. You know more about chill factors and lake effect than you’d ever like to know!
32. Your snowblower has more miles on it than your car.
33. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
34. Half the people you know say they are from Detroit, yet you don’t personally know anyone who actually lives in Detroit.
35. You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike.